Moron Sighting

Short story, based on real – life incident ;)

I logged on to my email id, and immediately saw a really long mail from my friend Neena. Even the gloomy weather couldn’t stop my 32 – buck smile. Neena and I went back a long way, all the way back to kindergarten. Our friendship had started with a shared cheese sandwich. In the past 25 years, it had weathered bad grades, exam stresses, adolescent crushes, shifting residences and what not. She had been staying in Pune for several years and was into the ‘marriage market’ these days. Her experiences were interesting, to put it mildly. I had been on the receiving end of several of her rants lately, and this email sounded just like the others. The title of the mail was “Moron Sighting…..Again!!”

Hey sweetie,
The marriage market is not only alive, but also kicking………me!!

My mom has started on a new site these days. Shaadi and Jeevansathi are a bit passé – assal Marathi site called Rohini is in!! Not much difference in terms of morons available, but the Marathi factor appealed to mom. Plus, she is getting the emails from the site. It’s a double blessing for me – mom is off my back and she is happy she is making her ‘efforts’!
So, mom noticed this really well-educated and reasonably ‘well-settled’ dude. He was a PhD in pharmacy, no less, and planning for a post-doc. She sent the mail, got the bio-data, blah blah…and then the document lands up in my inbox. The guy was average looking, and dark (my mom didn’t like that – she is a bit biased against dark guys!!). I didn’t mind the colour, it wasn’t so bad. I thought chalo, let’s give this a try. So I mailed the guy, and he sent me his number. We actually started off on the wrong foot from the emails only. In spite of mom clearly stating that the prospective bride’s name is Neena, this fellow addresses his mail to “Dearest Supriya”. Dude, stop hitting on my mom!! He definitely has a major complex about his looks and his career – he stated at least thrice that he is not photogenic and his appearance is better in real life. Got the message the first time round, dude!!
He also states in the mail that his research in pharmacology deals with medicines and their dynamics, “so don’t think that pharmacy people are downtrodden and cannot practice medicine”. This statement alone should have flashed a big red light at me. It did, actually, but I decided to give the poor fellow the benefit of the doubt. So I called him.
BIG mistake. I should have gone with mom’s instincts. Agreed, her reasons for not liking the guy were all wrong, but she is rarely off the mark when it comes to sniffing out morons. The very first conversation turned out several stinkers. The guy is a professor cum research assistant at a college in Pune. As a part of his job, he is a guide for post graduate students writing their thesis. He said “thank god this time I have only male students working under me” !!!!!!!!!! I don’t think I need to tell you what my doubts were. He then went on to say that all female students never work on time, and then use tears to get out of being punished. “You can’t even bang them properly” – God help his English, amongst other things.
There was more to come. He was a smoker, couldn’t handle stress and had had a major anxiety episode when completing his PhD. And he was a virgin – no, he DIDN’T tell me his sexual history in the first conversation!! I use the term virgin to mean someone who has never interacted with anyone on the ‘marriage market’. To add to his growing list of attributes, he was also gonna go abroad for his post-doc studies. And what the $%^& was I supposed to do for those two years? This formed our first talk.
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread, and that is why I gave him a second call in as many days. Hope of finding some redeeming factor? Dunno. Fate had not finished with me yet. He tells me “Neena, I am a very emotional person, and I get attached to people very quickly. I could get emotionally involved with you if we speak any more on the phone”. Two phone conversations lasting 20 mins each, and the guy fancies himself “in lou” :p :p I hung up, and decided to end things ASAP. So the next morning I send him a very polite and kind sms. The exchange that followed is amazing.

Me : Hi ****, (I am blanking out his name, not a gaali!!) I think we have some points in common, but overall, it is not compatible. I think its best if we don’t take this ahead. Wish you all the best. Neena

Him: Is this because I told you about going abroad?

Me: No, its not just one factor, it’s a combination of many things.

Him: You are quick to decide. However, I had already rejected you on day one. (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? And he says I am quick)

Not to be outdone, and wanting the last word like all women, I replied:
“Well, that makes you quicker than I am!! Goodbye and good luck!!”

Thus ended the story of the insecure virgin and the irritated girl….you are welcome to supply a better title if you can think of one.